MYRONMAN HATES EVERYTHING

You know what, I consider myself a pretty patient guy. Having phone support/customer support in my background allows me to visualize the actual person’s plight that is being forced to call me during dinner time for a few dollars an hour.

Fuck them.

Tonight I get a call from Discover again asking me about signing up for some bullshit protection plan that I won’t ever use, will never help me out if I can’t pay my fucking Discover card debt and will never, EVER prevent my privacy from being either breached or pwn3d. That’s bad enough, but to sweeten the deal, they try to offer me a free credit report from all three bureaus.

Bear with me here.

I’m all for getting some shit for free, but there are a few things that makes this kind of cock-sucker-ous offer shameful:

1. I guarantee you, if I accepted the credit reports, that would have been the equivalent of me “signing up” for their trial. A trial for which I would have a fucking hell of a time canceling  before they started charging my credit card.
2. Since it would be a credit report that I didn’t initiate, my fucking credit information would eventually show up at my house for the whole world to possible take from my cheap ass mailbox, at a time I have no control over – not cool.
3. I also guarantee that the credit reports I receive would be some proprietary, half-assed, *free* version that would be useless anyway.

So the lady that calls is like “Hello I’m calling from Discover and we need you to blah blah (purposefully omits name, badge number, or any indicative information that I can use to prove we had this conversation, call to her supervisor/the police about her saying or doing shit that’s generally cock-sucker-ous or make fun of her by name on my blog) join credit protection blah blah. Pay us. Blah blah. Bullshit.

A sidebar: You know how you hear all of these stories about identity theft because a person took a laptop out of the building and sold it on ebay or something equally ridiculous? Well. They lost your information the first, second, and third time FOR FREE. HOW IN THE FUCK ARE YOU GONNA PAY FOR THEM TO LOSE YOUR DATA NEXT TIME!!?

You see, I used to work for a major credit company and on Monday we did things normal. Tuesday comes along, and we are doing things the same exact way, only this time, people are paying us for extra *security*. No eye scanners. No encryption on my hard drives. I still even had *the bunny stickers* on my god-damned laptop. My guess is that the credit companies and banks are just using that money as reserves for lawsuits because they LOST SOMEONE’S FUCKING DATA. *AHEM*

…The conversion continues:

me: No.

her: Excuse me sir? *silence* *continues sales pitch* (after all, if you just keep talking, people will just allow you to sign them up)

me: NO.

her: Sir if we just sign youupthere’snoriskandyougeta30dayoffer

me: let me talk…

her: blah blah blah…

me: LET ME TALK!

her: Yes sir?

me: I don’t want to be a member of your service. No privacy guard for me. I also do not want a credit report from you all because I don’t trust what you guys do to/with the information before the report gets to me (remember, I used to work for a credit company).

me: Don’t call me again either.

me: Do you understand me?

her: *silence*

me: DO YOU UNDERSTNAD ME?

her: Yes sir (notice that it’s not a question this time and she’s realizing that she had better go now before this turns into some kind of lawsuit).

her: blah blah blah have a nice night (please let me go peacefully) Sorry but it will take 6-8 weeks for them to remove your name from the list and you – unfortunately – may receive another call in that time (by the way, if I do get another call from “800-service” I’m going to answer the phone, and then say “blow me” when the talker gets a breather. I won’t hang up either. That’s not my style. I will say “blow me” and ask “any questions?”)

me: Good. Good-bye.

I don’t like customer service/phone support people.